My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
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If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia