My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more