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Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Ken is short for chicken
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Camping tip: No.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.