*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
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Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you