@wildethingy

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

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@JCWisdomNuggets

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

@954LeenO

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

@Gilmatic

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

@Donna_McCoy

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

@Lerky

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

@100DollarChill

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

@ilikeyouguys

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

@donnie_fairburn

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

@rajatcore

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.