Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

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Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.


My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.


I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity


*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs


My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.


I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.


*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■


Tell your friends”


You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check


911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
*swat team busts down my door*


Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.