@wildethingy

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

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@Horse_ebooks

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

@HushJared

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

@perlapell

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

@THEDUTHCHESS

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

@CroweJam

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

@julcasagrande

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

@ShawnGarrett

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

@Manda_like_wine

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

@WonderMonkey78

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.