Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
The old gods are rising again.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Livid.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.