Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
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And then there were 4
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo