Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
bias laundering edition
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
#Caturday
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”