They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
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I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
good let them take over I have had enough
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[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off