They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
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This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Damn he played himself
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”