Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
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Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again