80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
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Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*