SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
You Might Also Like
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener