“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now