DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
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Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.