Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
This why you should mind your business
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh