Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
A roof is a house hat.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
cry laughing at this shit