Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
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*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Ugh
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
So glad we cleared that up
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
yeet