There are no pants in heaven.
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Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
23. the denim jacket
I’ve had relationships like this
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.