*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
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[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Gas station lines at 2 am:
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep