Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
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I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY