DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
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If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
these two trucks have the same bed length