Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
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Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL