(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
You Might Also Like
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
If you don鈥檛 believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Squid Game is so captivating because it鈥檚 about man鈥檚 greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Bread puns are on the rise!
I鈥檓 prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you鈥檙e gonna find another rug under there.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don鈥檛 eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let 鈥榚m shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 馃槏馃コ馃コ馃コ they left a first-floor window unlocked and i鈥檓 just walking around in here!
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.