using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside