“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
(Electricians.)
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
guys I’m going home
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me