me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
You Might Also Like
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Tough love is true love
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.