*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
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When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.