Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
This made me chuckle.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.