Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people