I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
#SCOTUS one-star review
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.