It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.