Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
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I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”