A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I put the p in pants.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I want to meet the individual who made this
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?