If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000