I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
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I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
They must have gotten it to go.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.