I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
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Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
(True)
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?