Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Money is the root of all wealth
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Seas the day!!!!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.