Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
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the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.