Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
You Might Also Like
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]