BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
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My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Maths meets science
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.