I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
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I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.