me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
You Might Also Like
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Go girl power!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
This pepper has seen some shit
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.