The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Siri: Retweet me.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
how was your vacation
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.