Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.