The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
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*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.