Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
<- sleeps well with others
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that