Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
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[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
At least he brought enough for everyone
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony