My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
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MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Me driving through Toronto
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.