A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
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watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I feel it
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.