I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
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Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
best review i’ve ever seen
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing