At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
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I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
“I’m sorry”:
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volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%