if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
This 4th of July, please remember…
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed