Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
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My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
What?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around