Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
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cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday