I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
You Might Also Like
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?