I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
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Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid