Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.